


The Choice

by Zandra_Court



Category: Starsky & Hutch
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-10-08
Updated: 2012-10-08
Packaged: 2017-11-15 21:19:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,643
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/531833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Zandra_Court/pseuds/Zandra_Court
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Which is the better choice:  To tell the truth and risk losing the one you love, or to decide that something is better than  nothing?  It takes Starsky nearly dying to teach Hutch the lesson.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Choice

**Author's Note:**

> A huge thank-you to Susanna Powell for the beta and for talking me through the finish-line.

_The strongest principal of growth lies in the human choice. ~George Eliot_

Hutch stretched and massaged his neck. It had been two days since Starsky had woken up from his coma. He still slept most of the time, but when he did have moments of waking, Hutch wanted to be there. During the dark days since Gunthar’s hitmen had turned Starsky’s chest into hamburger, Hutch had only one prayer beyond his partner’s survival; that he would have the chance to tell Starsky how he felt. Right after the shooting, Andy’d been his first phone call.

“What if I lose him and he never knows?”

“Isn’t that the whole point Ken? You didn’t want him to know. You made a choice.”

“It was the wrong one. I’ve lost two years that could have been...different.”

“Yes. Or you could have lost him. That’s what you said. That he was more important than anything else and that you’d take whatever he gave you, even if it wasn’t what you wanted. I could quote you. We’ve rehashed the same conversation every six months for the last two years.”

Hutch could hear the exasperation in his friend’s voice. “You’re not very good at not saying ‘I told you so’.”

“Ken, you’re scared and hurting and angry. I’m so sorry that you’re having to deal with this, but you are dealing with it. You know what to do. You’ve always known.”

***

**Two Years Earlier**

"Welcome to Quantico. I'm Special Agent Anders Erikson and I will be introducing you to the basics of psychological profiling. This week-long intensive course will not make you profilers, but it will help you to understand what the FBI profilers can and cannot do for your cases."

Hutch sat in the middle row, slightly off to the side in a classroom of about 50 law enforcement officers from around the country. He'd chosen to spend a week of his vacation in Virginia rather than spend it alone in Bay City. Ever since Starsky had met Terry Roberts, he'd found himself either alone or the third wheel. It was bad enough after work or on weekends, but an entire week was more than he could bear. When the flyer went around about this training, he asked Captain Dobey if he could go, preferably on the department's dime. 

He focused his attention on the instructor. Agent Erikson was pretty much what you'd expect a federal agent to look like; over six-feet tall, light-brown hair trimmed short, hazel eyes and surprisingly tan skin for so early in June. Hutch had noticed that most of the agents preferred black or blue suits, but Erikson wore a dark grey one. He'd taken off his suit coat once he'd started lecturing, and Hutch noted the Colt 1911 resting in a holster on his right hip. 

Throughout the day, he grew more impressed by the instructor's knowledge and humor. Not all cops were good teachers, as his time at the academy could attest. Hutch also found himself noticing little details of the federal agent like the deep richness of his voice or how, when he would pause to find his place in his lecture notes, the tip of his tongue would stick slightly out the side of his mouth as he concentrated. But the most distracting of all were the dimples on each side of his mouth when he smiled.

After the first day of class, he hung back to ask some questions.

"Excuse me, Agent Erikson. I had a question about the Triad."

"Please, call me Andy. What's your name again?" the agent asked.

"Sergeant Ken Hutchinson, Bay City Police Department." Hutch stuck his hand out.

"You spell that -on or -en?" Erikson asked as he shook the hand offered to him.

"Uh, -on."

"Your family's Swedish then?"

"Not recently, but yeah, way back that's where they came from, on my father's side anyway."

"Where are you from?" Agent Erikson put the last of his papers into his briefcase and rested his arms on the lectern.

"Bay City, California."

"No, I mean before that."

Hutch looked at him for a moment. How did the man know he wasn't from California? "I grew up in Minnesota."

"I thought so. My dad's family is from there. I used to spend summers on their dairy farm in Sebeka."

"Really? That's a fair bit west of me. I grew up in Duluth. We had some cattle, but mostly 4-H animals when we were in school."

"Say, Ken, you wanna go grab some dinner? I'd love to swap some Minnesota stories if you don't have plans."

"Yeah, that'd be great."

It was a short ride from the FBI Training Center to Garrisonville, where they found a Mexican restaurant that Erikson assured him was pretty good. As they waited for a table, Hutch noticed the deference with which the young agents-in-training would speak to Andy. It reminded him of one of the bits of advice a Training Officer had told his academy class; "Never walk up to the highest ranked guy in the room and start talking to him." It was easy to forget, now that he had rank, how important it was to maintain chain of command, especially in the field. You talked to your own level. You spoke when spoken to by everyone above you. Suddenly Hutch wondered if it was wise to allow Agent Erikson to single him out this way. Everyone else in his seminar was a Sergeant or higher, but in that room, Andy had command. Would his classmates give him trouble?

As if sensing his thoughts, Andy said, "You don't have to salute me. I'm also a training officer, so these guys have to test with me. That's why they act like I'm God."

Hutch looked amazed. "How did you know what I was thinking?"

"This is what I do, Ken. I read body language, facial expressions, track your vision...psychology isn't that complicated when you pay attention."

"After 6 years undercover, I suppose I thought I was better at masking myself than that."

"Are you undercover now?"

"No."

"Then why would you be masking yourself? Unless you are being intentionally evasive, you express who you are in ways far beyond words, though I pay attention to those too."

Agent Erikson was looking at him with gentleness and something else that made him wonder if... 

"Tell me some more about the Serial Killer Triad," he said, suddenly wanting to stop talking about how this man could seemingly read his thoughts.

***

"So we all went home to change into whatever we owned that would blend in at this strip club outside the base. But when the six of us showed up to meet with the Lieutenant, we were all in fuckin' Hawaiian shirts!"

Hutch laughed deep, "On purpose?"

"No! It was just a hot day in late August and we needed to hide our guns, so we each happened to pick these Hawaiian shirts. It was like we'd all signed up for a damn luau. The LT just rolled his eyes at us and made us go in 15-20 minutes apart. Delayed the op by an hour. We busted the prostitution ring though."

Hutch chuckled into his beer, "Reminds me of a time when Starsk and I had to go to Vegas and we had on these awful suits that were some kinda 50's throwback. Complete with fedoras!"

"Well, they don't hire us for our fashion sense!" Agent Erikson laughed easily and leaned back in the booth. "Speaking of fashion, where'd you get that thing around your neck?"

Hutch fingered the necklace he wore. The small moon carved out of shell with a tiny star off to the side on a thin white string. He didn't wear it constantly, the way Starsky wore his coins, but it was still a part of him.

"I, uh, it was something Starsk picked out when we were in Tijuana a few years ago. We had a long weekend because neither of us had been assigned as shift supervisor over Fourth of July, so we went down to have some fun." As he touched the tiny star, he remembered his partner's words when he spotted it:

_"Oh, this is the one Blintz."_

_"I don't know Starsk. I'm not as into jewelry as you are. I could barely stand to wear my wedding ring."_

_"It's not just jewelry when it means somethin'. See, you're the moon. Bright and golden."_

_"And the star?" Hutch asked doubtfully._

_Starsky gave him a reproachful look. "The star's me dummy. Get it. Star-sky" and he'd swatted him upside the head._

"Where'd you go just now?" Andy spoke quietly

Looking the agent in the eye, Hutch sat up a little straighter. "I was thinking about the night he picked it out."

"And?"

Hutch didn't feel like he could tell the story, not to someone who didn't know Starsky. He and his partner were complicated and he knew from experience that it was hard to talk about things he and Starsk did sometimes without people misunderstanding how things were.

"Not much to tell, I guess. We went walking one night through the vendor square and he thought I should get it. So I did. Pretty boring."

"The way you talk about him is interesting." Erikson was studying his face.

Hutch shrugged. "He's my partner." 

"Uh-huh. Well, we should get back. I still have some cases to review before I share my incredible wisdom with you street cops. But if you're up for it tomorrow night, there's an Italian place a few blocks over that is to die for."

Hutch hesitated for a moment then said, "Sure. I've got to eat anyway"

"Now there's an enthusiastic response I can write my mother about." Erikson said sarcastically.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to offend."

"It's alright. I don't offend easily." Erikson smiled and Hutch felt his breath catch slightly. He was used to Starsky triggering these kind of lustful feelings in him, but to have them for someone he didn't know well, that was new. Stoic as ever, he buried his thoughts and followed the agent out the door.

***

"I drove around to the loading dock of the Safeway and saw John's patrol car parked. From my angle, I could tell that he wasn't in the car and that the driver's door was open. I couldn't see him anywhere."

"But he'd radioed to meet you there?" Hutch pushed the now-empty pasta plate inward and rested his arm on the table, fingering the base of the glass of Merlot he was drinking.

"Yeah, only 10 minutes prior. So I stop two car lengths out and just stand at my door, wondering if I should call in. I don't know what made me decide to look under the car, but I did and saw his legs were on the ground, like he was sitting against the other side. I drew my gun and went running around the car, yelling his name."

Leaning in, Hutch nodded for the man to continue.

"When I round the far side of the car, there's John, sitting on the ground with this box of those doggy hamburger things, feeding 3 stray dogs! He looks up at me with this, 'Have you lost your mind?' expression and I wanna throttle him. I said, 'What the fuck are you doing! I thought I was gonna have to call Jeanie and tell her you got killed on fuckin' Christmas Eve!' He actually rolled his eyes at me! Like I was some kinda Nervous Nellie. I could’ve killed him."

"How long were you partners?"

"Well, we were never partners like you and Starsky. We had our own cars, but we patrolled the same sector. Hard thing about being a county deputy is you don't exactly have back-up around the corner. We had each other's backs though and I always knew where he was. The year after, he became a Canine Officer and I applied to the FBI."

"From your stories, you sound like you loved patrol. Why'd you give that up to sit in a classroom all day?" Hutch saw the look on Erikson's face change and he instantly wished he'd not asked the question. 'Sorry. I didn't mean to pry."

Shaking his head a little, Andy said, "See, you can read minds too. It's OK. I hadn't realized how much John ran defense for me until he was gone. Canine Officers train a lot and don't patrol much. Plus, he was working out of the County-Federal building in Tacoma and I was still at the Lakewood precinct. One night I got called on a domestic. I got into it with the guy and he nearly got my gun out. I was yelling into my radio every chance I could, but no one ever did come. I managed to get the guy cuffed, but not before I'd wrestled him for a good 10 minutes, he'd bit me several times and nearly dislocated my shoulder. About a week later, I was visiting this favorite diner of mine and the waitress, Sally, told me she'd heard my calls over the radio. Deputy Lincoln had been sitting in the diner when I called out. If he'd responded, he could have gotten to me in six minutes."

"Why the hell did he do that? I can't believe anyone with a badge would ignore an Officer-needs-help call."

"Lincoln wasn't alone. It was just the first time I realized they'd rather see me dead than back me up."

"Why?" Hutch was filled with righteous anger at these callous deputies.

"Because I'm gay, Ken."

"I'm sorry, you're what?" Hutch was sure he hadn't heard that correctly.

"I'm gay."

"Wow. That's, um, wow, I...that's not something I would have ever guessed about you."

Agent Erikson held Hutch's eyes, "It's not something most people know about me, unless I choose to reveal it. Most people at the academy don't know."

"So, was John also...y'know." He felt stupid that he couldn't say the word, but it caught in his throat, unable to pass through his lips, lest it might emerge as a beast in the room.

"No, John was straight and married. He's still my best friend and I love him dearly, but no, he's not gay and we were never together."

Erikson leaned back casually and looked at him with the aura of a great teacher watching his student struggle to learn a complex theorem.

The question was boiling within him. He didn't want to ask it, but he knew he should. In fact, he was beginning to wonder if the agent didn't know it already and was just waiting for him to catch up.

"Did you ever wish you and John could be together?"

The agent gave him a knowing smile and a slight nod, pleased with his student.

"For almost two years I carried the torch. Thing about being gay is you are the master of unrequited love. John was married when I met him, so I knew where he stood. For a while I hoped that maybe he was bisexual or that if he just got to know me really well, he'd start to feel it, like in the movies where the guy doesn't notice the plain Jane in front of his eyes but by the end, falls for her because she loves him so much. But no, John is straight and has been happily married for 16 years now."

"Did he know about you? Or how you felt?" Hutch was drawn in, wanting every detail.

"I think he knew after our first year, but he never let on. I came out to him about six months after I'd moved on from my infatuation with him. He never treated me any differently, though he didn't ask me about it much."

"What changed your feelings about him?"

"I met a guy. Someone who fell in love with me. Once I had real love, imaginary love was pretty pointless."

"You still with him?" Hutch found himself hoping the answer would be no, but didn't want to put any thought into why.

"No. We broke up when I moved out here. Washington State is pretty far from Washington, DC. I liked him a lot, but I wanted to be realistic. I go back and spend every Christmas with John, Jeanie and the kids though. They are my family. Beau is retired now, so he just lays on the floor and sleeps while Lucas, his new shep, bounces around like he's on coke. Which is ironic because Lucas is a drug dog."

"They sound like fun. Did your feelings for John come back?" 

"I think I will always pine a little bit for John, but I've grown into acceptance of my homosexuality. Part of that acceptance means I look for people who I might have a chance with." Andy held Hutch's eyes as he spoke.

Hutch felt a flush creep up his neck and his adrenaline spiked. "Are we on a date right now?" 

"Do you think we're on a date right now?"

Annoyance swept into Hutch's body and voice, "Don't go fucking psychologist on me."

Erikson leaned forward, setting a hand on Hutch's arm. "Easy there, Ken. I'm sorry. I was meaning to be teasing. No, we're not on a date. I don't play games that way. If I wanted to ask you out, I would."

Hutch sank back a bit, anger morphing into a different emotion. _"If I wanted to ask you out..."_ Did that mean Andy didn't want to ask him out? Obviously, being gay didn't mean Andy would fall for every man he met. Hutch thought back to his words about unrequited love again.

"Ken?"

Hutch snapped out of his mental rabbit hole. "Hmm?"

"Would you like to go out with me tomorrow night?" Andy's hazel eyes gazed into his and Hutch felt his groin tighten.

He licked his lips and saw a slight smile cross the agent's face as he said, "Yeah, I would."

***

The next day's class session was particularly nerve-wracking for Hutch. He spent way too much time thinking about what he was going to be doing after class. As soon as he'd resolved to tell Andy that he'd made a mistake, his focus would rest on how the agent's dress shirt would stretch across his back as he wrote on the board or the gorgeous dimples when he smiled, and then he'd be swooped up in infatuation. But what most plagued him was the phone call he'd gotten the night before.

"This is Hutchinson." He'd been called down to the commander's office from the barracks they were being housed in after Agent Erikson had dropped him off following dinner.

"Hey, Blintz! How's fed life?"

"Starsky! I'd have figured you'd be out with Terry this late." 

"Late? It's only 7:30." Hutch looked at his watch and remembered the time difference.

"Oh, yeah. Sorry, I was heading to bed."

"So, how's it going?" Starsky sounded so good to him but he really was tired and his thoughts were a bit preoccupied.

"Um, it's, ah, it's going fine. I'm learning a lot. How are you doing?"

"I'm great. Terry and I have really enjoyed the time off, sleeping in, going to the beach and she's been making these great meals."

_All Terry, all the time. Which was exactly why he'd hauled his ass to Virginia._

"Sounds nice, pal." Hutch didn't have anything else to say. Or rather, he did. There were all kinds of thoughts and feelings racing through his brain, just none he could talk to his best friend about. That ache piled onto the heap of all the others he was carrying where his partner was concerned.

"Yeah, it is, I guess." Starsky wasn't filling the space with chatter.

"Was there something you wanted to talk about Starsk?" Hutch softened a bit. He could always sense when there was something going on with his partner. His mind's eye envisioned the slight shake of Starsky's head as he tried to find his words.

"I just miss ya is all."

_Miss me? Why would he miss me? I've been gone 4 days._

"Doesn't sound like you've had enough time to miss me, buddy."

"See, Hutch, that's just it. We're always goin' and doin' something. Else we're sleepin' or....y'know. It's like, like, when we gotta go to court and everything we say is recorded and discussed. I'm always 'on'. I can't just be."

"So take a day to yourself." Hutch wasn't sure what Starsky was getting at. He knew that his friend thrived on being around people, so why was being around Terry so draining?

"I did. Today I did. But bein' alone wasn't what I wanted either. All day, the only thing I wanted was to be with you. To not have to explain everythin' because you already know. To be able to watch the baseball game and not feel like I had to talk to you, but know I could."

"Starsk, I never watch the game. If we're at my place, I'm either practicing the guitar or working with the plants or, well, anything else."

"Exactly! You just do what you want, but when some big play happens, I can tell you about it! You're....there."

"Well, I'll be back in 3 days. We can hang out then, OK?"

There was some silence on the other end before he heard, "Yeah, OK. I guess I'm being dumb huh?" He could hear the disappointment in Starsky's voice.

"No, you're fine. I miss you too."

"Yeah?" Starsky's voice was brighter.

"Of course. You're the best friend I have, why wouldn't I miss you?"

"OK. Three days. I'll pick you up at the airport, alright?"

"Sounds good, but do yourself a favor and park in the lot. Dobey's gonna bust your ass if you get any more tickets for parking in the loading zone."

"I ain't parking in that lot. I got three dings in my paint the one time I did."

Hutch sighed at his partner's stubbornness. "G'night Starsk."

"G'night Hutch."

Hutch replayed that call over and over in his head whenever he wasn’t thinking about Andy and their impending date.

***

Hutch'd never gone on a date with another man before and he had no clue what to expect. After class, he and Erikson had driven off-base in the agent's '67 Shelby. Hutch hadn't thought about if he had a "type" when it came to men, but it would seem he had a thing for guys who loved their cars.

"You having second thoughts?" Andy asked, his right hand resting lightly on the stick shift.

"I'm here aren't I?"

"Are you? You've seemed lost in far-away thoughts all day."

"Starsky called me last night. He, uh, he said he missed hanging out with me."

"Are you two dating?" Andy shifted the stick, accelerating.

"No, we aren't together at all. In fact, he's got a girlfriend right now. I haven't been dating much since..." He didn't want to tell Andy about Gillian. The past few months had been so hard on both of them, but Gillian had been the worst. He still cringed every time he thought about his fist hitting Starsky's jaw. His hand flexed in memory of the ache in his knuckles.

"Since?" Andy, kept glancing at him as he drove.

"I'd rather not talk about all that. Let me just say that all this is very new to me, OK?"

"You mean acting on it is new. The way you protect what goes on between you and your partner...that's practiced and habitual. Does he know how you feel? Do you know how he does?"

"You ask a lot of questions, y'know that?" Hutch's hair whipped around his face and he rested his right arm on the door, squinting in the sunshine, wishing he'd grabbed his sunglasses.

"As a matter of fact, I do. You seldom answer, y'know that?"

"Look, Starsky is complicated. I'm not in this car because of him. I'm here because you asked. Can that be enough?"

"It's enough. I'm just not into breaking people up. If you're being here isn't betraying any understandings, then let's have some fun." Andy stepped hard on the accelerator again and Hutch felt the familiar rushing thrill of feeling his body pressed hard against the seat as they took off.

***

After dinner, Andy drove them around while they talked. Hutch had been lost in another of Andy's tales from deputy life, when the car turned down a long driveway.

"Where are we going?"

"Home."

Hutch sat up a little straighter. "Home? What home? Whose?"

"Damn, Ken, you can be jumpy. My home. You think I live on base?"

"I hadn't given much thought to where you live and if I'm jumpy, it's because I have reason to be." Hutch's adrenaline had spiked when they'd turned off the road. It hadn't been what he was expecting and given that both he and Starsk had been kidnapped in the last year (Starsky only a few months ago), the unexpected triggered quite a response in his body.

"Hey, we are not going to do anything you don't want to. I've enjoyed your company and I'd like to enjoy more of it. But I'll drive you back right now if you say so." 

Hutch found Andy's misunderstanding of his reaction to have a calming effect. This man was really quite special and Hutch knew that heading back to the barracks was the last thing he wanted. "You, uh, have any soda?"

Agent Erikson killed the engine and pulled the keys. "Yeah, I have soda. And after, we can read some comics and go through my baseball cards." Hutch smiled at the teasing, thankful for how at ease Andy made him feel and followed the man up the stairs to the front door.

Inside, it was like any other bachelor apartment he'd ever seen. Minimal furniture, a television, stereo and one wall with two tall bookshelves. Most were textbooks; several he'd read in academy and many more on psychology and psychological disorders. He pulled one out titled "Deviant Psychology" and began to flip through it.

"That one might piss you off. Did me." Erikson spoke as he handed Hutch a tall glass with fizzy brown liquid. 

Balancing the book in his left hand, he looked at the glass. "I was kidding about the soda."

"I know. I put a shot of rum in it." 

Hutch took a drink. "It's good. Why will the book piss me off?"

"Look at the page I marked."

Setting his glass down, he opened to the page that had been marked with a small strip of paper. The chapter title read, "Homosexuality". He had no desire to ready further, closing the book and returned it to it's place on the shelf.

"Yeah, that was pretty much my reaction too." Andy sat on the couch, laying an arm over the back.

"How do you hide it?" Hutch asked as he sat down next to Erikson. 

"I don't feel like I hide it. I just don't talk about it. Hiding it would mean I'm ashamed of it. I'm not. I have studied the human mind. I know what that book says, but I also know about all manner of psychological differences. Being gay isn't something that happened to me or something that was forced upon me by some trauma of youth. This is who I am. Not talking about it is just a sensible way to protect myself from prejudice or worse, but I am not ashamed of who I am Ken." Andy's hand now rested lightly on the back of Hutch's neck, gently fingering through his hair. 

"I wish I had it together like you do."

"You will. Once you decide what, or who, you want." Andy drew in closer and with his hand, pulled Hutch's head toward his own. "Right now, I know what I want."

Hutch looked into those hazel eyes that now held a mesmerizing quality. "I think I do too," his voice barely above a whisper.

No further encouragement needed, Andy's lips were on his and Hutch closed his eyes as he responded, deepening the kiss.

***

Hutch entered the barraks as quietly as he could, mentally reliving the times he would have to move the screen door just so after a late-night session with Nancy in the barn. He knew he shouldn’t feel ashamed for what he’d just done, but it still hung like a cloud, as though the next person he saw would somehow know every detail of his evening with Andy.

“Hutchinson!” came a commanding voice and his heart lept to his throat, as he looked over to where the voice had come from. It was Steve, one of the other men in his class.

“Sorry to startle you, but I was up anyway and I have a message for you.”

“Uh, OK what?” Hutch looked at his watch. It was midnight, and he cursed himself for not realizing that others would still be up. Stress and hard memories meant cops often didn’t sleep well.

“That partner of yours, Stuckey?”

“Starsky.”

“Whatever. He’s called three times. The last time, I went down to talk to him. He sounded aggitated. I told him that we didn’t know when you’d be back but I promised him I would make sure you got the message.”

“Thanks Steve. I’ll go call him right now.”

Shit. Starsky was the fucking last person he wanted to talk to right now. If there was one person he wouldn’t be able to hide from, it was his partner. But he knew that Starsky wouldn’t keep calling if it wasn’t important.

“Hello.” Terry’s voice sounded a bit tired.

“Hi Terry, it’s Hutch. Starsk around?”

Her voice brightened as she said, “Oh, Ken, he’ll be so glad you called. For a moment there I worried that he was gonna get on the next plane to DC.”

“What’s wrong? What happened?” The sense of dread was engulfing him now. _Dobey? Huggy? Who’d been hurt and how bad._

“Nothing, now that you’re back. He was upset that he couldn’t talk to you is all. I don’t think anything bad’s happened. At least he didn’t tell me that. I’ll go get him though. He’s downstairs working on his car. Hold on.”

Hutch heard the reciever hit the table and waited. If Starsky was detailing his car, then he was probably trying to distract himself. None of this was making much sense. He heard Starsky’s voice in the background say, “Thanks babe. Shut the door will ya?”

“Where the hell you been Hutch?”

“What happened Starsk? Is Dobey OK? Or Huggy?”

“Everyone’s fine. Answer my question.”

Hutch was finding himself annoyed now. Was all this just because he wasn’t home when Starsky called?

“What does it matter where I was? What’s going on that you had to call me instead of waiting until day after tomorrow when I come home?”

“Prudholm is up for parole next week.”

Hutch leaned back against the wall. Starsky’s reaction made more sense now. Prudholm had taken one of the worst events in Starsky’s career and made it worse by killing three police officers as revenge.

“You gonna go to the hearing?” Hutch spoke calmly, hoping it would soothe his partner.

“Of course. We both are on the list.”

“OK, fine. We both go. Won’t exactly be our first time.”

“No.”

“Then what’s all this about really?”

“I don’t know. I guess with Prudholm, it’s always been personal. He kills people to hurt me. I was originally calling to just tell you about the parole but when you weren’t there and no one knew where you’d gone or when you’d be back, I freaked out a little. What if he’d decided to go after you somehow?”

“Prudholm’s a prick and not nearly boss enough to infiltrate the FBI. But I’m touched you were worried.” Touched didn’t quite cover it. Moments like this, when Starsky’s love for him was on display, those were moments he held on to and cherished.

“Where _did_ you go. It’s gotta be after midnight where you are.”

“Yeah. I was just hanging out with one of the instructors.” Hutch prayed that his voice sounded calm and normal.

“How come the other guys there didn’t just tell me that? Would have saved me a lot of worry.”

Hutch slid down the wall to sit on the floor under the phone. “I, uh, I guess I hadn’t mentioned, uh, where I was going. Not like we all have tons of time to chat around here and I didn’t think anyone would need to know where I was, or care for that matter.”

“Sometimes I wish you’d wise up a bit, pal. Someone should always know where you are going. Been plenty of times when someone havin’ intel on where you were going would have saved both of us a lot of pain.”

Hutch reflexively rubbed the needle scars inside his left elbow. “I know, Starsk, I know. I didn’t mean to worry you.”

“It’s good to hear your voice, Hutch. I’m still planning to pick you up.”

“I’m glad. We can catch up in a few days OK? I’m heading to bed. It’s pretty late.”

“OK Hutch. G’night.”

***

“Sergeant Hutchinson, may I speak to you before the luncheon?” Andy announced after dismissing the class to the celebration the Bureau was hosting to mark the end of their week of study.

“Uh, yes sir.” Hutch stood and slowly put all his notes and belongings back into his backpack. There would be a shuttle to take all those flying out of Dulles to the airport following the luncheon.

Once everyone had left the room, Andy handed him a piece of paper with the FBI seal at the top. Looking down, Hutch realized it was the job description for profile agent.

“I don’t get it?” Hutch looked up into Andy’s face and instantly read the disappointment.

“Don’t you?”

“Andy, I’m a street cop. The suits alone would make me crazy.”

“There’s more to life than what you wear Ken. I know you’re a street cop. And from what I’ve seen in class, you’re a good one. But what else are you? Don’t those parts of your identity deserve attention too.”

“I’m, um, ah, I’m that too. You taught me not to fear that part of myself and I’m indebted to you for the, the.... gentleness you’ve shown me. I won’t ever forget that Andy. But Bay City is where I belong.”

“Are you going to tell him?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Because no matter what else I am, I’m his partner. Nothing will change that, especially not me.”

“So you’re going to deny who you are for a love that may never, probably will never, go anywhere? Don’t you see how sad that is? Why do that to yourself, Ken?”

“It’s my choice. It wasn’t yours Andy and I really admire that, but we’re not you and John. You can’t judge my life by yours any more than I should pattern mine after you. This is what I want.”

Andy looked down, nodding his head in resignation. “If you ever want to talk, you know how to find me.” 

Hutch stepped closer, so his movements were hidden by the lectern and gently caressed Andy’s ass. “I will, probably more often than you think.”

***

Starsky’s movements are what bring Hutch back to the present as he watches his partner’s eyes flutter awake.

Smiling down at him, he says, “Good morning, babe.”

“Is it morning?”

“Morning’s whenever you wake up I guess. I’ve kinda lost track of days.” Hutch lightly brushes some curls from Starsky’s face, letting his hand rest behind Starsk’s neck.

“You’re always here when I wake up.”

“Yeah.”

“How come? Don’t you go home?”

“My home is where you are, partner.”

Starsky turns his face away and blinks. Hutch pulls his hand away and sits down in the chair next to the bed. “I gotta tell you something.”

Starsky rolls his head back to look at him. “What?”

Hutch rests his forearms on the bed, leaning as close to Starsky as he can get. “I, um, well, I’ve been thinking a lot. You’ve been out a while and we really thought we’d lose you." Hutch took a breath and looked into the deep blue eyes watching him, "Starsk, I love you.”

Starsky reaches over and took one of Hutch’s hands in his own. “I know, pal, I know.”

“No, you don’t. I mean I’m _in_ love with you.”

Starsky squeezes his hand. “I know that too.”

Looking into his partner’s eyes, Hutch asks. “You do? Since when?”

“Probably since forever, but for sure since Terry.”

“Why didn’t you say something?”

“I wasn’t sure if I should. You never brought it up and it seemed like you didn’t want to, so I let it alone.”

“I see.” Standing, Hutch walks over to the far side of the room. 

Starsky pushes the control button to raise the bed so he can sit up a little. “No fair walkin’ away when you know I can’t follow.”

“You, y-you knew, or suspected and didn’t say...You let me carry this alone?!”

“This ain’t mine Hutch. You carried it alone because you wanted to. What did you want me to do? Huh? I figured when you were ready to talk to me you would.”

“This ain’t your...What the fuck is that? Everything is ours. How can you say this was mine? Me and Thee...how could you not tell me you knew?”

“Because truth is a two-way street.” Starsky was still too weak to argue as voraciously as he would have normally, but Hutch started this and he was going to make sure they finished it.

“What are you talking about.?”

“I’m talking about an FBI job application in your desk drawer at home. I’m talking about Andy.”

Hutch stopped pacing and looked at Starsky, speechless.

“Special Agent Anders Erikson.” Starsky finishes. “The instructor you said you were hanging out with the night I called you about Prudholm. Only you weren't just hanging out with him. You were on a date with him.” Starsky pushes his fingers through the sheet of the hospital bed and adds, more quietly, “The only time you've ever gone on a date and not told me all about it.”

“How did you...Who told you about that?”

“You did. Your voice during the phone call tipped me off at first. Then the way you would blush and stammer whenever you talked about your ‘instructor’ or your time there. I saw his name on the course book you lent me and so I watched you next time I had an opportunity to mention him. Clearly something had gone on between you and him. Something you didn't want me to know about. So I didn't ask. I was just glad you’d come home. That you chose to stay with me.”

“Chose you? Of course I chose you. I never gave Andy’s offer even a moments consideration. I didn't even realize I still had the application.”

“It wasn't just the job. He meant something to you. Something you weren't sharing with me. You have no idea how much that has burned inside me.”

“I was...” Hutch sighs a little and his voice goes deep, “I wasn't sure how you’d feel. It felt safer to not risk that you’d push me away.”

Starsky chuckles lightly, “You see anyone else in this hospital room?”

Hutch walks over and sits on the bed, tentatively touching Starsky’s naked, bandaged chest. “Just me.”

Hutch sucks in a breath as Starsky slides his hand between Hutch’s thighs, “And that’s all I need. I love you too Blintz.”

It was Hutch’s turn to blink away emotion as he leaned down and tenderly kisses his partner for the first, but not last, time.


End file.
